Teen Angst: I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match

I'm back to doing things for him at the drop of a hat.

No it's stupid because even though I know what's happening I'm still letting it happen.

I hate the pretty ones.

He's not screwing with me on purpose. At least I don't think he is.

I was telling Chels that I stick around for the challenge.
He doesn't let me win and everything is at his convenience.

It's fascinating to me that there's a boy that can control me.

But I like to win! We're not dating. He wins.

I know all of that crap. I'm not trying to date him.

I just think our friendship is entirely superficial.

I want something more real.

More definite.
One way or the other.

It's this blurry line between really good friends and not friends at all.

It's not like I don't know where we stand. We're friends in context of the band. I'm not trying to make it more than that.

There are just some days where it seems like we're actually friends.

I want it to be either a yes or a no and have it be that way all the time.

Teen Angst: He's Just Not That Into You

He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t call you…He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you…He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out…

Okay. I get it. Jake Telfair is just not that into me.

But I knew that from the start. It hasn’t stopped me from thinking about it, though. Freakily enough, I can see our relationship. I can see us being intimate. I know what the dates would be like, I know what the conversation would sound like, I can imagine how we would act in public and how much cuter we would be in private. I can see myself in the front seat of his car, I can see myself making out with him in the front seat of his car. I’ve imagined myself doing things that I wouldn’t have even considered. I can also see myself leaning my head on him, and I can see myself with is arm around me. We wouldn’t be hand holders, though. I don’t know why, but I don’t think we would. I can see us giving a peck goodbye when we part, or a full on make out session at the end of the night when he drops me off at my house. I would look super cute in his Iron Maiden shirt and my underwear, and I could see myself somehow ending up in his Iron Maiden t-shirt and my underwear. The scariest part is…I want to.

See? Told you I was a freak. I can’t remember being like this before. I do remember saying he was the first guy I could see myself actually ending up with, but I also remember it was probably just because he was the first one that was seemingly accesible. Now, I cringe at the thought of being his girlfriend and think of the whole debacle as a momentary lapse in judgement. Plus, I knew he wasn’t interested in matters of the pants. This new guy, on the other hand, would definitely want some and the more I think about it, the more I think I want some too…

And I would be okay with that.

Sadly, I know it’s too late for me now. I can’t do anything about it. The friend zone is all too familiar territory and I know when I’ve tumbled down to the bottom of the ladder and hit every rung on the way down. It’s disappointing and kinda hurts like a bitch. I think there are things I could’ve done differently that might have given me a better shot, but it’s too late now. I thought twice about going for it and I missed my window of opportunity and I’m never going to forgive myself for messing this one up. I thought it was going so well in the beginning. It’s a shame I wasn’t more sure of myself. He scared me. I didn’t understand why he would talk to me, flirt with me, pay for my dinner, buy me Taco Bell, drive me around. So did I sabotage it by becoming overzealous? And now do I remind him of his best friend? Is he trying to fill a physical void with me? Mrrawr I wish I made things easy and just stopped thinking. At least I’m not acting upon it. At least I’m not skank that expresses full well how much I want to be on him through myspace comment. No, I’m classier than that, I do it over AIM -____-

So what now?

Do I pretend I’m content with being friends with him? Do I disappear and never talk to him again? Do I keep doing what I’m doing? Well, I don’t want to stick around like that wimpy ass song that I wrote about me being okay with being ‘Just Friends’ but wanting more, because I’m not okay with that. I’m not okay with that at all. We know where I ended up when I did that. I can’t disappear entirely, either. I still like the band. I’m still going to support the band. I’ll still do the myspace. I won’t take it out on them just because I’m not getting what I hoped for in return. I knew going into it that working on the myspace wasn’t going to make him love me, but it kept him talking to me and that’s why I did it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m passionate about it, I like doing it, I wouldn’t want to see someone else do it, and that’s why I’m going to keep doing it. The guys appreciate me, keep me involved and that’s enough for me. I like what I do.

I think I’m just going to keep myself busy. He doesn’t need to know where I am or what I’m doing. I’m not going to sign on everytime I have downtime in hopes that he’ll IM me. I won’t text message him when I’m bored. I never called him in the first place anyway. If he needs me, he’ll get a hold of me. If he wants to talk to me, he knows my phone number, he can leave a comment on myspace, he can get a hold of me through Janaye or Ryan. There are a billion combinations of many ways , ranging from very easy and more difficult, to contact me. That’s it. It’s his turn to work. Besides, the band is taking a front seat right now. I respect that. I also realize that I need to obey the most important rule of foot.

Patience.

S and J were in a class together for 5 months before they got together. K and F knew eachother for about the same amount of time before they got together. It’s been about 4 months since we first met…

I’ll give it about two weeks and I’ll know for sure. Two weeks and he won’t have an excuse to not hang out with me. We’ll see.

hopeless

Teen Angst: The Music and the Misery

Have you ever been emotionally unstable before and then listened to music? Isn't it funny how even though your music will be set to shuffle it will play songs that know exactly how you feel? Fate or coincidence? It's fascinating. It's amazing. For at least 3 minutes at a time you can feel better because for at least 3 minutes the song feels for you so you don't have to if you don't want to.

"What came first - the music or the misery?" - Rob Fleming (High Fidelity by Nick Hornby), like the chicken and the egg. I can't say much for the chicken v. egg dispute but as for music v. misery, I say both. When you're miserable, music alleviates misery. After dumping all your emotional baggage on that song, the music then reminds you of the misery the next time you hear it.

It's pretty potent stuff, isn't it? Weren't the best songs written when their musicians were absolutely miserable? ...or cloud 9 happy? ...or under the influence... But disregarding the last bit, it looks like there's no grey area in pop music. You're either Walking on Sunshine (Katrina and the Waves) or Not Okay (My Chemical Romance), aren't you? You never hear a song called You know what? I'm just so-so today. Maybe I'll write it. Now THERE is a song truly universal.

I mean really, no popular song can truly be related to. People just like to trap themselves in emotional extremes just so they can sing along and mean it.

That's it. From now on I'm sticking to Star Wars instrumental tracks.

The Rules About Boys: Preface

Preface

A friend of mine once asked me,

Why are girls so crazy?

Well in my opinion, it’s because

Boys drive us crazy.

These are The Rules About Boys, a compendium of various rules of thumb that I’ve put together thanks to personal experience and the experiences of some close friends and family. They are casual observations I’ve made about the opposite sex, and I really think that girls should take them into consideration when dealing with boys. (If I’ve gone through pain and agony trying to understand and explain the male gender, I figure I could ease the pain for someone else out there.) Yes, I understand that these rules are from personal experiences and although situations in your life are going to be different, the end result will most likely be the same, because all boys are the same (refer to the chapter about Jake), so take the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and don’t mess up! Ha ha.

Note that I’m not being entirely serious (I don’t expect you to carry this book around like The Bible and follow each rule religiously. You know as well as I do that it’s not going to work that way), but keeping these in mind has helped me maintain some sanity when handling boys. Lord knows we need to keep our sanity.

Now, let’s get to know the book, shall we?

Each chapter of the book is named after a boy, and each boy with a chapter has done something that caused me to make a rule. The beginning of each chapter starts with the rule, a little explanation, followed by a short story about how the rule came to pass. Easy enough, right? Now on to the first chapter to learn about your first rule!