Character Study: The Words Best Friend Become Redefined

I'm in new territory now. The amount of people that I consider as my "best friends" has grown since last year. It has grown so much that I feel fake using the words, although I really do mean it. It used to be an easy concept for me, and suddenly I'm not so sure. You guys are my best friends for each a different reason, though.

Who are you people?
Allie, Andrew, Karen, Jane, Nolan and Lana

Allie - Not very many people can spend approximately 120 hours together without strangling each other. And to think, that's how our friendship began. When I wasn't sure if I would ever have another (girl) best friend, you showed up on time. You know more about me than anyone else and you're very good at rationalizing my insanity. The more time we spend with each other, the less skeptical I get of that fl on the end of bffl. =)

Andrew - FORfreakingEVER. Misery does love its company. And I love having you there to hate life as much as I do (when I do). I know we don't hang out so much but whenever we do, its always chill. You're like my anchor, everything around me could be spinning out of control but you will always be there. Same Drew. Nothing is ever going to change the way we are.

Karen - It's fate. I'm positive that pretty much 90% of my life wouldn't be the way it is if I didn't sit next to you in English (and end up with the same schedule as you) last year. You've definitely seen me in every single spastic mood swing I've ever had (cheerful, hungry, moody, pissy, crazy, depressed, hyper, etc.), and you're still with me even through all my highs and lows. The fact that you still deal with me is amazing. I feel so lucky to have you. And I promise I'll get my license soon!

Jane - Roooarr. Cream to my coffee! We've only been close friends for about a month but we're totally on a different level than anyone else. I'm closer to you than some people that I've known for years. And I feel like this is only the tip of the iceberg. The possibilities that I see for our friendship can only be described as o___0. Oh and don't feel bad about dragging me into your drama, it gives me purpose in life.

Nolan - I am going to commit to saying that I have the most fun with you. We have enough good times in one week to last a year. It's fun knowing that we could be the worst life ruining power couple in the world if we weren't simply more concerned with ourselves than others. On the flip side you are a pain in my ass. I honestly don't think I've ever been more frustrated with any of my friends ever in my life and there are times when I want to throw my hands up into the air and give up. Though as much as it seems like I hate it, I must say that you definitely keep things interesting and I'd be pretty bored without you.

Lana - My little Mormon! I am proud to take responsibility for opening your eyes to a new world of corruption. =D But I thank you for being a beam of hope in a world where I question whether good people exist anymore. You're stunningly beautiful.

Teen Angst: Thank You for the Let Down

I'm not sure how I feel about this. For the first time ever you've disappointed me. I think it's completely unfair, I've been totally cool about surrendering the front seat to her lately. I believe I deserve to ask you to make me a priority for one day out of the week, fuck, even one hour. I get that for the past 3 years I've been the only priority but you can't expect me to just let you drop me on the fucking floor because she's in the picture. I have been making such a huge effort in sharing. I didn't even really give a fuck until right now. I'm still in complete disbelief about what you've done. I don't even know how to feel right now, I never thought that you would ever do something like this to me. I'm not sure if I'm angry or sad or indifferent or what. This shouldn't even be a huge deal because I got where I needed to go, but this has never happened, you have never done this before. I feel like almost crying I'm so overwhelmed with mixed emotion. Frustrated. I'd expect the other one to frustrate me, but never you. Hell I'd expect anyone else to frustrate me, but never you.

I just hope and pray to God that you have a good excuse.

Teen Angst: Inspired by Scrubs!

It's funny how timing plays such a huge part in the way things turn out. Lately I've been tripping over how things would have been radically different. For example; What if I had gone to that Kung Fu Corner show? What if I didn't give Judy a chance? What if I showed up to Denny's a split second earlier and grabbed a seat? What if he didn't tech for King and I? What if I had chosen the confirmation retreat over theater? I shudder at the thought of some of those. I'm getting the chills talking about it now. Like I'm not sure how my relationship with Judy would be if I didn't do theater, I don't even know if a relationship would even exist if I wasn't Trace and she wasn't Em. Would her and Pat even be together right now? And even if they would be together I wouldn't have taken part in it, and we wouldn't be the funny foursome that we are. The Kung Fu show question is a doozy too. I could imagine it going something like "HOLY SHIT you're in my choir" *swoon* depending on if I liked their set or not. I would probably end up being some annoying chick he met at a show that stalks him around school. HA! Oh wow. I don't even want to think about being that. He wouldn't be Robert to me right now, he would have been "The Lead Singer of Amprage (and then CH)" to me first. To think about that is absolutely terrifying.

Teen Angst: I can be incredibly pathetic sometimes

Am I over you? I don't think I really will be. I keep lying to myself, thinking I had a real chance in the beginning. I know there's no chance now, and I am incredibly OK with that, but for some reason I keep dwelling on the past. I'm glad where we've ended up. I wouldn't trade it for any possible alternative but every now and then I think about how it would be different if...you know. And as much as I am succeeding in finding distractions you remain constant in my thoughts. Even after it all; now that I understand you and applied what I know now to what happened then and came to the conclusion that we weren't meant to happen that way, I'm still having trouble letting go, damnit. How the hell am I supposed to get some closure? It's been basically month since I started working on getting over you and a week since it's started working, maybe there are just a few more loose ends left to tie up. At least I'm hoping that's what it's starting to feel like.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place...

I can't force these eyes to see the end...

Untitled

I grabbed my English Lit book out of my locker and rushed towards class. There was a blur, and suddenly my book and binder were on the ground.
"Aweeesome, now I'm definitely late," I sighed.
"Whoa sorry, I kinda got lost and the rush to class -"
"Oh it's no problem," I looked up, "I'm just always..." I lost my train of thought, I was looking up at a face I only ever saw on the television screen. Wednesday nights at 7/8c.
"By the way, I'm -"
"Dean Gray. Of course I recognize you. Wow. I heard that you were at our school but I'd never seen you."
"Really? It isn't a big school, how does that work out? You could have looked for me and said hi or something."
"Oh, no no no. I'm a junior, so it would be weird and out of my way to talk to a freshman. Famous or not."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah... Well I'm late so -"
"Got it. Well I'll see you around."
I smiled. He was a freshman, but he was still attractive, "I wouldn't count on it, but okay."

Teen Angst: Three Days is the Charm

Caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm.

Three day hiatus. <3

Thursday - Youth Day
I got to reconnect with the St. Paul's kids after disappearing from church for about a month and a half. I've felt so disconnected from God in general lately that this couldn't have come at a better time. Mass on Thursday was just amazing. I had been so generally angry since Tuesday but my anger subsided, and I'm ready to come back and handle everything that's boiled up.

Friday - Congress, Disneyland.
Congress, I went to one session w/ Ariana about the meaning of Confirmation and it was really interesting. There were very different ideas from the ones we have at St. Julie's. The speaker's views were a lot more conservative. We talked to Kevin about it a little bit. It was very enriching. I'm kinda disappointed that I don't get to stay for more sessions. I was really looking forward to that one seminar about Harry Potter!
Disneyland. There's just nothing that can ruin Disneyland for me. And I haven't been in awhile either. Even though I got a text at the beginning of the day that didn't make me very happy, and sure there was ridiculous amounts of drama around everyone all day (love high school! and the power of text messaging amazes me) but there's just no way I could ever let any of that get to me while I'm in my happy place. =) It was fun chilling with Ariana, Landon, Justin, Mike and Ian. I wanna go back so bad already.

Saturday - Funeral.
Almost four years to the day since Aunt Rita's and now Uncle Norman's. What are the odds, they'd both be diagnosed with the same cancer? It was sad. I felt like I missed out a lot since I didn't go to the viewing on Friday to hear all the good stories and to just be there. At the end of the service, when Lewis got up to talk about the unwavering commitment and love between Aunt Rita and Uncle Norman, that's when I started to cry. It made me think about other things (and people) that have been bothering me lately. There are holes I burned into a few relationships that I want to come back and patch up. It's amazing how the death of a loved one can suddenly put things into perspective. Didn't cry at this one as much as I did with Grandma Lilly last month but still. I'm probably numb to it a little. I mean, three funerals in two months. Honestly I'm sick of Forest Lawn its an all too familiar place now.
Afterwards went to Salo-Salo for food and reception. Hung out with Terri, we waited forEVER in line for food. Like, curse Uncle Fortune for being so cool, you know? Ha. And I didn't even end up eating that much. Irony of my life. It was chill just having everyone in the same room though, you know? Got tired and left with my bro.

So now I'm back and I'm ready to take on whatever it is life wants to throw at me next.