Lovesick Melody: Sing the Silence

"If I ever find a cute girl who's worth it..." He was driving.

His words stung in the pit of her stomach, in the back of her mind.
"Oh please, you're way too focused to even think about a girlfriend."

He knew what she said about him was right, but he'd never admit it to her.

"No, seriously. It just depends on the girl, you know?"

"Ha ha, right. You mean it depends on how cute she is."

"Hey! Not fair!" they both laughed in unison.
"You know I look for other things too."

He evaluated the truth of this statement.

"Right, but whether or not you feel she's worth it is going to depend on how cute she is!"

She sighed inside of her thoughts. She hated being right.

"Yeah, I guess. But you never know what could happen or who I'll meet.
Someone might surprise me."

"True..." she tapered off her thought and neglected to finish.

Silence filled in around them as they drove the rest of the way home.

Lovesick Melody: New Boy, Same Songs

I refuse to get stuck in this cycle again.

"Stop being so nice to me," she pleaded, interrupting the flow of their conversation.

His smile faded to an expression of confusion, "What are you talking about?"

"If you value me as a friend at all, be a jerk to me more often. Please."

"I don't understand," they were walking side-by side, he slowed their pace.

"If you ever get the impulse to do or say something nice to me, don't. Just keep it to the usual sarcasm, mean jokes and serious conversation stuff."

"I still don't get it," he broke their stride and faced her, placing both of his hands on her shoulders, "Why would I need to do that? I like being nice to you."

She lifted her arms. "Like that," she used them to fling his hands off of her and stepped back, out of his grasp, "Don't do that anymore. Don't say that. Even if you really want to, don't. For my sake." She continued to walk ahead.

He caught up with her, "You're not making any sense right now."

"Just pinky promise," this time she broke their stride and faced him.

"Really? You're like, serious about this," he stared at her.

"Completely," she looked him in the eye and shook her fist, pinky outstretched.

His glance switched from her pinky, to her face, and back to her pinky, "No, you have to tell me why."

He left her arm outstretched. She pouted, "Don't make me do that."

"If I'm going to agree to this, I deserve to know why."

"I can't tell you. Just trust me, please."

She'd always been upfront with him about everything, it was his favorite thing about her. Why was she acting so weird?

Her thoughts danced around words that she swore she'd never say.

Teen Angst: I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match

I'm back to doing things for him at the drop of a hat.

No it's stupid because even though I know what's happening I'm still letting it happen.

I hate the pretty ones.

He's not screwing with me on purpose. At least I don't think he is.

I was telling Chels that I stick around for the challenge.
He doesn't let me win and everything is at his convenience.

It's fascinating to me that there's a boy that can control me.

But I like to win! We're not dating. He wins.

I know all of that crap. I'm not trying to date him.

I just think our friendship is entirely superficial.

I want something more real.

More definite.
One way or the other.

It's this blurry line between really good friends and not friends at all.

It's not like I don't know where we stand. We're friends in context of the band. I'm not trying to make it more than that.

There are just some days where it seems like we're actually friends.

I want it to be either a yes or a no and have it be that way all the time.

Teen Angst: He's Just Not That Into You

He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t call you…He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you…He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out…

Okay. I get it. Jake Telfair is just not that into me.

But I knew that from the start. It hasn’t stopped me from thinking about it, though. Freakily enough, I can see our relationship. I can see us being intimate. I know what the dates would be like, I know what the conversation would sound like, I can imagine how we would act in public and how much cuter we would be in private. I can see myself in the front seat of his car, I can see myself making out with him in the front seat of his car. I’ve imagined myself doing things that I wouldn’t have even considered. I can also see myself leaning my head on him, and I can see myself with is arm around me. We wouldn’t be hand holders, though. I don’t know why, but I don’t think we would. I can see us giving a peck goodbye when we part, or a full on make out session at the end of the night when he drops me off at my house. I would look super cute in his Iron Maiden shirt and my underwear, and I could see myself somehow ending up in his Iron Maiden t-shirt and my underwear. The scariest part is…I want to.

See? Told you I was a freak. I can’t remember being like this before. I do remember saying he was the first guy I could see myself actually ending up with, but I also remember it was probably just because he was the first one that was seemingly accesible. Now, I cringe at the thought of being his girlfriend and think of the whole debacle as a momentary lapse in judgement. Plus, I knew he wasn’t interested in matters of the pants. This new guy, on the other hand, would definitely want some and the more I think about it, the more I think I want some too…

And I would be okay with that.

Sadly, I know it’s too late for me now. I can’t do anything about it. The friend zone is all too familiar territory and I know when I’ve tumbled down to the bottom of the ladder and hit every rung on the way down. It’s disappointing and kinda hurts like a bitch. I think there are things I could’ve done differently that might have given me a better shot, but it’s too late now. I thought twice about going for it and I missed my window of opportunity and I’m never going to forgive myself for messing this one up. I thought it was going so well in the beginning. It’s a shame I wasn’t more sure of myself. He scared me. I didn’t understand why he would talk to me, flirt with me, pay for my dinner, buy me Taco Bell, drive me around. So did I sabotage it by becoming overzealous? And now do I remind him of his best friend? Is he trying to fill a physical void with me? Mrrawr I wish I made things easy and just stopped thinking. At least I’m not acting upon it. At least I’m not skank that expresses full well how much I want to be on him through myspace comment. No, I’m classier than that, I do it over AIM -____-

So what now?

Do I pretend I’m content with being friends with him? Do I disappear and never talk to him again? Do I keep doing what I’m doing? Well, I don’t want to stick around like that wimpy ass song that I wrote about me being okay with being ‘Just Friends’ but wanting more, because I’m not okay with that. I’m not okay with that at all. We know where I ended up when I did that. I can’t disappear entirely, either. I still like the band. I’m still going to support the band. I’ll still do the myspace. I won’t take it out on them just because I’m not getting what I hoped for in return. I knew going into it that working on the myspace wasn’t going to make him love me, but it kept him talking to me and that’s why I did it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m passionate about it, I like doing it, I wouldn’t want to see someone else do it, and that’s why I’m going to keep doing it. The guys appreciate me, keep me involved and that’s enough for me. I like what I do.

I think I’m just going to keep myself busy. He doesn’t need to know where I am or what I’m doing. I’m not going to sign on everytime I have downtime in hopes that he’ll IM me. I won’t text message him when I’m bored. I never called him in the first place anyway. If he needs me, he’ll get a hold of me. If he wants to talk to me, he knows my phone number, he can leave a comment on myspace, he can get a hold of me through Janaye or Ryan. There are a billion combinations of many ways , ranging from very easy and more difficult, to contact me. That’s it. It’s his turn to work. Besides, the band is taking a front seat right now. I respect that. I also realize that I need to obey the most important rule of foot.

Patience.

S and J were in a class together for 5 months before they got together. K and F knew eachother for about the same amount of time before they got together. It’s been about 4 months since we first met…

I’ll give it about two weeks and I’ll know for sure. Two weeks and he won’t have an excuse to not hang out with me. We’ll see.

hopeless