...and I would have asked you
what kind of a dumbass runs around nicknamed Tweedle?
what kind of a dumbass runs around nicknamed Tweedle?
Nolan Greene. is that dumbass. And oddly enough he's a part of my life. I don't hurt anymore. And I feel like things are going to work out. Maybe not the way I wanted, but they will work out. But my biggest fear is that I haven't had half the effect on him as he has had on me. It's been a hell of a roller coaster. I don't think I've ever gone through such an emotional spectrum in such short a time. I've crushed, I've hoped, I've envied, I've hurt, I've laughed, I've cried, I've smiled, I've changed, I've felt, I've experienced, I've seethed, I've sulked, I've learned, and I think I've even loved. I'm a different (better?) person thanks to him.
I'm amazed that I'm talking to you/You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true. If I wrote the song So Much Love by The Rocket Summer, I would totally be talking about him. My favorite songs were always like, oh I wish this could apply to me someday. And I find these same exact songs applying to me thanks to him. He really has so much love in him. And he has this amazing life force and he makes me glow. I know for a fact he's done this to other people, I wish I could have the same effect. Maybe I'm just the first to admit it, but I'm also embarrassed to admit it. Even though I don't particularly enjoy what I've felt in the past months, I wouldn't change a moment, trade a second, or take any of it back. After spending a striking majority of the past 3 days (I can't believe I'm saying this) talking and thinking nonstop and this being the first real school holiday weekend thing without him since Winter Break, I decided that it's time to blog and let it all out. ALL of it. Every qualm and every feeling. So how shall I do this? Well let's just tirade and see where it goes.
Holy balls. I've talked about you nonstop for the past 3 days. I've talked to my friends, I've talked to my brother, I've talked to my parents, my cousins, I've talked to my brother's 4th and 5th graders [who fully think you look like Macaulay Culkin with your old hair. HA] and I'm not the only one who can't stop talking about you. Ellen, Andrea, Lisa, and I full on spent a good hour on the subject while sitting in my brother's room. (Even though I could tell Andrea was tired of the subject matter, she spent the whole day with me and when we weren't talking about her we were talking about you) Except what I don't understand is that I don't think you're THAT great. Actually, I KNOW you're not that great and I keep trying to stop myself from mentioning you. I've actually filtered it a couple times. I'm having trouble understanding why I just keep steering conversation back to you. If I'm not talking, I'm thinking. What have you done to me? What are you doing to me? What am I letting you do to me? I know it's not on purpose. But crap. I'm annoying myself. I've never had a more melodramatic relationship with a person. It was fun in the beginning. Then it got crappy. Now it's even better and you're one of my best friends now. Would you call it a rocky relationship? Or am I the only one with issues? I apologize for causing drama, if it caused you any agony but I'm glad the way things turned out. I'm setting it straight that as much as I may wish for more, I'm not asking you for more. I'm happy that we're not awkward anymore, and we text message nonstop and we're closer than we were before. I'm happy that you're [more than] friends with my brother and for some reason he makes you glow in a way that I wish I could. Staying friends with him kept you in my life even while I didn't want to handle it. I was pissed about it before because I couldn't get rid of you, but now I'm thankful for the way it worked out.
So ok. You have commitment issues.There's proof in ALL the other girls that I've talked to that you've left in your wake. I get it, we all get it. I haven't forgotten that I was going to get a conversation about that but I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie. Sure, I'm curious to know, but I'm not going to hold you at gunpoint and demand that you tell me why (ain't nothing but a heartbreak! lols). I've been wondering though, was (or is) there anything I could've done (or could do) to change your mind. You told me that a lot of your doubts stem from being bffs with this Elsie girl and then falling out of touch with her after your break up. I understand it to a point, but I don't think its a reason to run away from every chance you get to have something good. I've know some of the other girls, like Nadia and Ellen, and they're great people. I think its a shame that you passed them up. (I'm including myself in that as well. LOLS.) But I guess you get your cake and eat it too, don't you? Because these girls are still great friends with you. Which also brings me to this Amanda girl. Your first kiss. You talk about her with a sense of longing. You loved her, didn't you? I hope sometime she comes up in one of our conversations and I get to know more about her.
