Teen Angst: Stuff I wish I could say that is far too melodramatic for real life

So you don't like making out?

Three girls over the course of four days. Why? Because you can. I don't blame you but I've lost a little bit of respect for you. At least now there's proof that you like girls. HA! I'm not mad. There's no reason for me to be, but there will always be that part of me that wonders what it would have been like. I know why you weren't afraid to kiss them. There's no commitment involved, you don't have to see them everyday and they probably went into it too knowing it would mean nothing more. Oh well. I hope you brought enough man gloss.

It's probably not that big a deal.

So I happened to be standing there while you decided to brag to your friends about your "weekend achievements." Maybe I'm just assuming the worst. It's possible that you simply suckered another three poor girls into falling for you. Great. Congratulations. Have fun writing songs about them. Don't think I didn't know what you're doing. You mentioned it while I was there on purpose.

I know that I sound bitter...

But I'm really not. At least not anymore. And I know if I actually said any of this it would sound absolutely ridiculous, which is why I write. I am happy. I've written it and repeated that phrase a million times in the past two weeks. As much as I may (have?) want(ed?) more or wish we happened, I'm content with things the way they are. I don't hurt and I'm just searching for a new distraction. As soon as I get him I know I'll be okay.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen

If I actually told you all of this. I think it's all really unnecessary and it would probably change things or make them awkward or different. Which is why I keep it all to myself, but hot damn. There's a lot of bullshit you pull that I wish I could just call you out on without thinking about the consequences. But I don't say anything because I'm not supposed to care. You are who you are and I accept it. Trying to change you would be futile. My brother's the same way.

Am I just a notch in your bedpost? A line in a song?

Is that why you don't want a girlfriend? You get better songwriting material by brooding over your indecisiveness and whether you want one or not. Are you afraid of writing that sappy acoustic song about the girl you love? Even though I'm aware of exactly how nauseating such acoustic songs get (*cough cough* Francis and Kellie), I went all in trying to get you to write me that song. It's been a dream of mine since about 8th grade. HA. On the other hand I suppose I get where you are coming from because now that I'm happy, I've got nothing down between pen and paper lately.

Teen Angst: Ask me two months ago who Tweedle is...

...and I would have asked you
what kind of a dumbass runs around nicknamed Tweedle?

Nolan Greene. is that dumbass. And oddly enough he's a part of my life. I don't hurt anymore. And I feel like things are going to work out. Maybe not the way I wanted, but they will work out. But my biggest fear is that I haven't had half the effect on him as he has had on me. It's been a hell of a roller coaster. I don't think I've ever gone through such an emotional spectrum in such short a time. I've crushed, I've hoped, I've envied, I've hurt, I've laughed, I've cried, I've smiled, I've changed, I've felt, I've experienced, I've seethed, I've sulked, I've learned, and I think I've even loved. I'm a different (better?) person thanks to him.

I'm amazed that I'm talking to you/You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true. If I wrote the song So Much Love by The Rocket Summer, I would totally be talking about him. My favorite songs were always like, oh I wish this could apply to me someday. And I find these same exact songs applying to me thanks to him. He really has so much love in him. And he has this amazing life force and he makes me glow. I know for a fact he's done this to other people, I wish I could have the same effect. Maybe I'm just the first to admit it, but I'm also embarrassed to admit it. Even though I don't particularly enjoy what I've felt in the past months, I wouldn't change a moment, trade a second, or take any of it back. After spending a striking majority of the past 3 days (I can't believe I'm saying this) talking and thinking nonstop and this being the first real school holiday weekend thing without him since Winter Break, I decided that it's time to blog and let it all out. ALL of it. Every qualm and every feeling. So how shall I do this? Well let's just tirade and see where it goes.

Holy balls. I've talked about you nonstop for the past 3 days. I've talked to my friends, I've talked to my brother, I've talked to my parents, my cousins, I've talked to my brother's 4th and 5th graders [who fully think you look like Macaulay Culkin with your old hair. HA] and I'm not the only one who can't stop talking about you. Ellen, Andrea, Lisa, and I full on spent a good hour on the subject while sitting in my brother's room. (Even though I could tell Andrea was tired of the subject matter, she spent the whole day with me and when we weren't talking about her we were talking about you) Except what I don't understand is that I don't think you're THAT great. Actually, I KNOW you're not that great and I keep trying to stop myself from mentioning you. I've actually filtered it a couple times. I'm having trouble understanding why I just keep steering conversation back to you. If I'm not talking, I'm thinking. What have you done to me? What are you doing to me? What am I letting you do to me? I know it's not on purpose. But crap. I'm annoying myself. I've never had a more melodramatic relationship with a person. It was fun in the beginning. Then it got crappy. Now it's even better and you're one of my best friends now. Would you call it a rocky relationship? Or am I the only one with issues? I apologize for causing drama, if it caused you any agony but I'm glad the way things turned out. I'm setting it straight that as much as I may wish for more, I'm not asking you for more. I'm happy that we're not awkward anymore, and we text message nonstop and we're closer than we were before. I'm happy that you're [more than] friends with my brother and for some reason he makes you glow in a way that I wish I could. Staying friends with him kept you in my life even while I didn't want to handle it. I was pissed about it before because I couldn't get rid of you, but now I'm thankful for the way it worked out.

So ok. You have commitment issues.There's proof in ALL the other girls that I've talked to that you've left in your wake. I get it, we all get it. I haven't forgotten that I was going to get a conversation about that but I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie. Sure, I'm curious to know, but I'm not going to hold you at gunpoint and demand that you tell me why (ain't nothing but a heartbreak! lols). I've been wondering though, was (or is) there anything I could've done (or could do) to change your mind. You told me that a lot of your doubts stem from being bffs with this Elsie girl and then falling out of touch with her after your break up. I understand it to a point, but I don't think its a reason to run away from every chance you get to have something good. I've know some of the other girls, like Nadia and Ellen, and they're great people. I think its a shame that you passed them up. (I'm including myself in that as well. LOLS.) But I guess you get your cake and eat it too, don't you? Because these girls are still great friends with you. Which also brings me to this Amanda girl. Your first kiss. You talk about her with a sense of longing. You loved her, didn't you? I hope sometime she comes up in one of our conversations and I get to know more about her.

A Laundry List of Things That All Mean "I just don't like you that way."

Conversations
of you telling me we're just friends
They replay again and again
Why don't you tell me the whole truth
And not just lies you recite to convince you

That you don't want this, well
I guess you already did
I wanted to call out "That's bullshit"
But if that's the way you want it
Then that's the way it is

I'm not happy
With what you told me
But what can I do right now?
Except fake a smile, stick around for awhile
I'll have to deal with it all somehow

I keep telling
myself I'm over it
But the questions beg my mind
If I had done it a little differently
Would it have turned out right this time?

It's making me toss it's making me turn
I keep wondering and I yearn
Just to know what
it feels like
But to find out I'd have to fight

These feelings that I feel
I know they can't be real

I'm not happy
With what you told me
But what can I do right now?
Except fake a smile, stick around for awhile
I'll have to deal with it all somehow

You never let me get two words in
I'll be fine, just so you know, you win
It's not worth making bruises
Life's too short for people with excuses.

eclectic. enlightenment.

This was an english assignment. A found poem using the words of Henry David Thoreau.

eclectic. enlightenment.

fogs from frost in the spring

The gray color and ruinous state of the house and barn

Dilapidated fences, hollow apple trees

enjoy these advantages

I did not wish to live what was not life
Error upon Error, Clout upon Clout

life is frittered away by Detail
keep your accounts on your thumbnail

Clouds and Storms and Quicksands

all External and Superficial

It lives too fast.

How shall we get to heaven in season?

Tradition and conformity!

I do not wish to go

Castles in the air

That is where they should be

The true ethereal heaven

Light which puts out our eyes

Only that day dawns to which we are awake

There is more day to dawn.

The sun is but a morning star.